Thursday, January 14, 2010


Sorry girls I will not have anything "weight loss" related running today. Today my heart is heavy. I struggled all day yesterday trying to make sense of the events that took place in Haiti. This post is a bit long but I hope by writing it I will be able to process some of what I am feeling.

I don't think I ever shared on the blog that in 2003 I went to Haiti. It is part of the "lost files" of my life I guess you could say. I don't talk about it much. I can't remember exactly what started things but the beginning of the summer of 2003 I found myself on the Internet looking into the face of a baby boy that was in an orphanage in Haiti.

I fell in love with him and for some reason I felt like I had to go see the country and specifically that baby. I thought maybe we should adopt. At the time we already had 6. Little did I know that before I would leave for the trip I would pregnant with baby no. 7.

I know that the trip was around a major growth time in my life. I had started Bible study. I had come clean about my past. I was busy homeschooling the kids but yet for some reason I felt like I needed to experience something more. Something bigger than myself. I often get restless and have a longing for something like this. Sometimes I try to fill it with stupid things and I end up empty handed and a life spinning out of control. But sometimes He gently leads me to a place where He fills that longing inside of me. And He teaches me something that I never could have learned any other way.

So in September 2003 I found myself on a plane to Haiti with my oldest daughter and pregnant with my youngest. My journal entry for that day said:

"We landed in Port Au Prince. The heat just about knocked me over and the stench of body odor is unbelievable. A man who went by the name "big" escorted us out of the airport. We went to the hotel. Nice by Haiti's standards....but Haiti's standards are not our standards. I immediately began feeling ill."

I ended up being sick most of the week. The one or two phone calls home panicked my poor husband. There was an indescribable oppression there. It took along time after I got home just to forget that feeling and all the smells. It was overwhelming. I was pregnant, sick, and on emotional overload.

I did find that baby. He was beautiful. He was not meant to be mine. I got an e-mail from someone who was there when he was brought into the orphanage. This is what it said:

I was in Haiti and Samantha and I are the ones that took Wildennse in. He was the most beautiful little boy I had ever seen. The orphanage staff manager had told us that we didn't have room and couldn't bring him in. I held him and knew we had to find a way to make room for him.

Samantha and I got a ride and rushed over to the Visa Lodge and used the computer to ask Annette how many babies under 12 months we could take into the orphanage. She gave us the number and we went to the baby orphanage to count babies. We were so sad because we had just the amount she had told us. We weren't going to be able to take anymore. Then we looked at some birthdates and realized that one of our babies was two days over twelve months and we did have room for one more.

We rushed back to the other orphanage where the birth mom and her aunt were waiting for us to return. We told Pierre that we did have room and he interpreted and told the mom and aunt. We watched as she said goodbye to her baby. I thought my heart would fall on the floor right there. She was about to leave and then stopped. She asked if she could hold him one last time. She sat in a chair, looked over at me, and smiled. Then she nursed him one last time. It was her final act of love for that little boy.

I knew in that moment that God had such a perfect plan for him. God desires to take Wildennse from one mother of love, to another mother of love. I know that whoever adopts him will be so blessed by him.

I'll never fully understand why I had been drawn there. Or why I would end up pregnant and know that I was not supposed to adopt that child. I also don't know why it is buried so deep within my heart and why to this day I struggle to process the emotions. I came home very sick for a few months. I lost weight and eventually found out I had picked up a parasite. A small price to pay to have your life changed forever.

I have read my journal over and over from the trip. I have looked at the pictures. I have cried and I have prayed. That country is very special to me. I will never know if Wildense ever made it out. I do know that the night he spent with me back at the hotel that I prayed over him. I do know that I serve a God that heard that prayer and He is faithful even when something comes along that just has us shaking our heads. his ways are not our ways. he loves those people more than we can imagine. I remember thinking as we were flying in and looking down at the immense poverty that God looks down everyday and I know He weeps for these people.

There are many ways to help. I am praying for what way my family should help. My first instinct is to get on a plane. You know that it is the poorest country on the Western Hemisphere and it is only a few hundred miles from the coast of Florida. Just a bit away from a country that is free and prosperous. It is also a country that has been plagued with trouble from the very beginning. Witchcraft and Voodoo abound. When I got back from Haiti we ate at an Isaacs and they had some sandwich called the Voodoo something or other and it brought me to tears. We don't even realize that it Voodoo is a real thing and that people there are in bondage.

Please pray for Haiti today. I may try to scan some of pictures and a few of my journal entries tonight.

Have a blessed day!


Smith7 said...

Thanks for this post. That e-mail about the baby boy, brought me to tears. I stand in awe of mothers that can love their children enough to let go...

Kara Plank said...

This is so emotional to read. Thank you for posting.