Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Insecurity

I see her often. We keep crossing paths. I am not exactly sure why but maybe I should be asking God why so I am not missing something He is trying to do. Anyway, she is stunningly beautiful for her age. Her outward beauty is undeniable and inwardly she seems very sweet and very sincere. I mean she is just darling.

When we first met I felt a twinge of jealousy. She looked great. She seems wealthy(although I don't know this for a fact some of her recent purchases she told me about today would indicate it). Kids are all grown. Empty nest. Travels. Are you starting to see where the twinge of jealousy is coming from????

That was until today. Today I really listened intently to what she said. Today I saw something within her that seemed a bit empty. Maybe lonely. I started thinking about the things she has and thought would I really ever trade the peace I have within me for that?

Nah....That's the only answer I can come up with. I saw some insecurity in her. I started wondering if she has something deep within her that she is trying to feed. I know all about this. I wrestle with my own demons when it comes to insecurity (who am kidding - that is putting it mildly) but I am coming out on the other side of the battle and I would NEVER want to go back. Not for any amount of wealth or eternal youth or anything else for that matter. It is too exhausting. I teared up the other day just thinking back on some of the stupid things I have done that were totally driven by fear and insecurity. Really stupid, life altering things. I can hear God whisper "we've come too far baby to ever go back"!

You know we can buy all kinds of things and do all kinds of things to try and feel secure but in the end we will get old and it will all be for nothing right? I mean no amount of hair dye or expensive haircuts in Philly or great $200 jeans will ever really keep us will they. I don't want to grow old fighting that battle. I am too weary from all the battling I have already done.

She is a beautiful woman. I prayed for her today. I started reading "So Long Insecurity" by Beth Moore yesterday. I pray that woman I keep crossing paths with finds real security and can have her own farewell party for the things that she is grasping at. Things that don't ever really fulfill that empty space. I will keep praying but in the mean time I will continue on in my own journey to a place of secure, peaceful living. Gray hairs, lines, and wrinkles and all.

Have a blessed day!

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