Thursday, September 22, 2011

Wavering....

Tossed.

Back and forth.

Like a wave in the sea.

This is my life....

I waver between continuing to homeschool my children feeling passionate about what that means to me and putting them in school. Maybe they would be smarter. Maybe they are missing out.

I waver between doing what is right feeling passionate about Jesus Christ and wanting to just be a "carnal" christian doing what I want when I want but keeping my ticket to heaven. Maybe the grass is greener somewhere else. Maybe I would be happier if I could just do what I want to do because maybe for girls like me that's all there is.

I waver between contentment and dissatisfaction. Maybe I should have a nicer house. Maybe I should have more money.

I waver between wanting an education that leads to a fulfilling career and staying here where I know I belong and cleaning up another mess. Maybe I am smarter than all of this. Maybe I would then feel full.

I could sit here all night sharing all the different scenarios. It is endless. I have tossed back and forth for more years than I am willing to share at this point. Today as I felt pulled in different directions and I once again felt torn between one direction and another(picture devil on one shoulder and angel on the other) I kept going back to the truth.

You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you. ~Isaiah 26:3

I blasted the worship music. I prayed. I went for a walk alone(not even a cell phone).

As I sit here I want to type that all is ok now and that if you follow those steps you too will be just fine.

I would be lying.

I am still listening to the worship music.

I am still praying begging God to bring me that "perfect" peace that I still do not feel.

Yet I know that my feelings always lead me the wrong direction and that they will change..... eventually and just as sure as the changing tide of the ocean I will feel stronger. Just not right this moment but I know He is faithful. I know that deliverance isn't always immediate but it does come. I know that desperation though a very scary place can be a very sweet place where I feel Him the most.

Maybe you know where I am today. Do what I did. Write down what you know and even though your feelings don't change immediately cling only to that truth.

Be blessed.

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