Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Doubt, Yellow Buses, and a Water Walking Homeschooling Mama!

Every day its the same thing.

You see I homeschool.

I have for 12 years.....12 long years.

I know I am called to do it but to be honest it has been a lot harder than I thought it would be.

A lot harder than many of the books I read made it seem.

A. Lot. Harder. Period.

I cry some days.

I laugh my fool head off others. Usually not in joy just in the I-will-lose-my-mind-if-I-don't-laugh-right-now way!

I have tried every curriculum and every style. I have unschooled, done textbooks, cyber schooled, and any other schooled you can think of.
I did all that most of the time because I was doubting myself. I doubt my ability. I doubt I will stay sane. I doubt that I was really called to this and I don't doubt that someday I will paying for their therapists.

One morning I was up early doubting myself AGAIN(in one of my I don't care when they get up the later they sleep the better phases) I caught myself looking out the window and watching the big yellow bus roll by. It wasn't the first morning I had watched this phenomenon. In fact I made a habit of it. Looking. Longing. Wondering why God called me to this and also quite honestly wondering why I was obeying Him.

And then I heard it. That still small voice. "Stop looking at the bus!" It shook me out of my "yellow bus" trance and then I heard it again. "Stop looking at the bus and look to me!"

That's when it hit me.

I had spent so much time doubting and fretting and wondering and fussing and staring blankly out the window at the bus that I missed it. I missed Him. The Him who was calling me. The Him who so wanted to empower me. The Him who loved me and loves them and has the power to keep them out of therapy. The Him that is bigger than me and my inadequacies as a homeschool mom. The Him I should be looking to.

I thought of Peter walking on the water.

Matthew 14 finds Peter in a storm. Much like the storm that homeschooling can be for me sometimes.

28 “Lord, if it’s you,” Peter replied, “tell me to come to you on the water.”

29 “Come,” he said. Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus.

30 But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!”

 31 Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?”

 "Why did you doubt?" Just a simple question much like my yellow bus moment.

So today my friends I am going to stop doubting and for pity sakes I AM GOING TO STOP LOOKING AT THE DANG BUS. I'm just going to keep my eyes on Him and have the faith that knows He will work this homeschooling thing all out.

Please pray for me and let me pray for you? Would love to hear from you!

Be blessed!

No comments: